the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Randomize
