my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
