Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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