i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
