I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
