K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
