there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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