Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize