Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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