Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
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I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
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Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
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