wakey wakey hands off snakey
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
