okay pat passed out under dana's car
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
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