I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
