We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
