i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
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I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
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