Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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