Betty ford says i'm here all night
I feel great
I just peed on a car
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
