if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
My vagina is officially offended.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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