That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
everyone is single if you try hard enough
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
My vagina is very pro this idea
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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