i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
