you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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