Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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