I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
