Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Randomize
