I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Well I just put wine in my tea
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
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