What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
