About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
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