At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Randomize
