last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Randomize
