some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
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I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
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It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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