Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
