I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
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I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
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