I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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