I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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