party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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