Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
