Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Randomize
