WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Randomize
