On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
