Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
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We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
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ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I DEMAND FORESKIN
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