dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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