I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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