two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
