i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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