Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
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