No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
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