Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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