Soap is not a condiment
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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