Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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