the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
