She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
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I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
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He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.