Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
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I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
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Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?