I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
23 Bisexuals Confess The Biggest Differences Between Dating People Of Each Sex
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
These 25 Ruthless Teachers Embarrassed Their Students
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today