batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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