drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
