At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
