taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
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