Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
