So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Randomize
