I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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